judges

I haven't updated a lot lately because I've been preparing for a really big test.  Last Friday my classmates and I took the CPCE.  We commonly call the test comps (though I think the black death would be a more fitting name.) Let me tell you... that test was DIFFICULT.  It wasn't really even the questions that stumped me.  Its just the whole process.  I spent four years in undergraduate learning the basics of psychology.  Then I spent three years learning the ins and outs of mental health treatment with adolescents.  After that I've spent the last three years working on a master's degree that  tells the people around me that I know what I'm doing when it comes to counseling.  It tells people I've dedicated my professional life to work and that I worked hard learning how to help people.  I couldn't really put my finger on why comps had me so rattled until earlier today... well yesterday I suppose. I've always been a really good test taker, so it wasn't test anxiety. It was the judgement part that really got to me.  I had to demonstrate that I was a good counselor in such a specific way.  I know that I have a passion for counseling.  I know that God led me to a career in counseling.  I really don't think that I would be happy or effective doing anything else for the rest of my career.  For me (and my colleagues based on conversations I've had) counseling is such a personal thing. It really becomes more than your job.  Its a part of who I am.  The 160 questions on comps asked about theories and names and dates.  There was no space on that scantron sheet to demonstrate my heart for counseling... which in my opinion is the most important part.  My desire to help others isn't east to see on a test like that.  That just really bothered me.  They judge our skills without being able to see the most important part.

So what made me realize that?  Today in supervision at the hospital we were talking about MLK and being members of a minority.  As anyone who keeps up with my blog (all two of you) knows I am really passionate about being body positive and making sure that people aren't marginalized because of their physical characteristics. I've really come to love my plus sized body.  Even so, tons of people aren't ok with plus sized people.  Its a real thing to shame fat people.  I have just as much right to feel good about myself as anyone else does.  Usually I just look past that and do my own thing, but this incident was a little different.  Someone I really admire made comments that left me feeling quite judged. I decided to bring it up today even though I was sure the offense wasn't intentional.  The situation isn't exactly resolved, but the awareness makes me feel a little bit better. 

When I was talking about the situation I felt a familiar feeling from last week creep up again.  Thats when I realized that in both situations (the confrontation and the comps exam) I was really bothered by being judged.  Just like the test didn't reflect my knowledge in my opinion, I think my outside and others perceptions aren't always reflective of me.  People (including me) jump to conclusions and judge people.  These two incidents have really given me heightened awareness about passing judgement. I think its something that we can all get a better handle on. It legitimately hurt me when I thought that I have been the cause of that judged feeling in other people.  I didn't like feeling it myself, but even more so I didn't like thinking that i may have CAUSED that feeling at some point. 

So how to we do better at withholding judgement?  I have come up with a little list of things to keep track of, think about, and do to be the least judgmental I can be.  I read a bit and compiled them from various ideas and discussions I've had. Anyway, this is just my plan.  What are your ideas?  Here are a few of mine...

1. Build your own confidence. We've all heard this since elementary school.  The kids who bully just feel insecure about themselves.  Cliche, but true to an extent.  Its easier not to judge others when you feel good about yourself.

2. Cut yourself a break. We are our worst critic. When you are overly critical of yourself, you tend to be overly critical of others. When I treat myself with compassion that kindness to spills over to everyone else.

3. Be open-minded. It's important to live according to your values and beliefs. Just remember to grant others that same courtesy. You don't have to agree with people's choices, but you must be willing to live and let live if you want to be less judgmental.

4. Face your fears. It is human nature to fret over the unknown. That being said, prejudice thrives on the unwillingness to learn. Get out of your comfort zone and see what happens. 

5. Avoid gossip. If you want to be less judgmental, then clamoring for the latest dirt won't support that goal. Skip the tabloids and all the other sources of gossip.  Learn from people firsthand instead. 

6. Celebrate diversity. Differences encourage progress. Find common ground with those who are different from you.  Then use that as a springboard to learn about the aspects that you DONT have in common.  You might learn something new. 

So, those are a few things that I will be working on over the next little bit! Thanks for reading.  Feel free to share your experiences with judging or being judged.

xoxo.

It starts with me

You know what annoys me?

"People say... "
"They think..."

Don't you hear this like ALL the time?
I do... and it irritates the heck out of me.

"You know... they say that horizontal stripes make you look fat."
"You know... people say you aren't allowed to wear white pants after labor day..."

Seriously. Who are these people? Why do THEY get to dictate what we can or cannot do and/or wear? Why the hell do we listen to "them"?  I've been thinking about this sort of stuff a lot lately. As anyone who knows me personally already is aware, I'm a plus size girl. Hold the phones, I dare say... I'm fat. OMG did I actually say that? Hell yes, I absolutely did!

Here's the thing about it though... the only person who ever calls me fat... is me.  Sure sure, there was the rude kid in school who said something out of the way, but that was in middle school, and since I'm 27 now that's sort of way in the past. Nobody at a clothing store is ever like HEY YOU, I know that comes in your size but its horizontal stripes, and that's not something fat girls should wear! The only person who ever tells me things like that is me.

I never really thought about the messages that I told myself until I started grad school.  In the counseling field we talk a lot about schema and self talk and all that other cognitive stuff. Anyway, for whatever reason (which I sort of know... but don't want to blast people who helped shaped my thought processes... its not really anyone's fault per se... we just don't realize how messages 'stick') I always corrected myself about things I could do/not do, wear/not wear, think/not think because i was fat.

(side note: FAT is NOT a bad word. Its not an insult. Its just an adjective. Its not insulting to say a girl is a redhead or a guy is black.  Its not bad, its just what it.... same with the word fat. So yeah, I call myself that. I also call myself southern, smart, redhead, preppy, white (pale really haha) etc and none of that makes people think I hate my body... neither should fat. Its just how I am... and I don't mind that damn it!)

Ugh... chased a rabbit. Terrible habit. Back to what I was saying... Nobody ever comes up to me and says I can't do something because of my size.  I lived with limitations for a LONG time that I thought were from the outside... but now I'm really beginning to see that they are self-imposed. I thought I couldn't get a boy to like me in high school, so I didn't date. NEVER did one of my girlfriends tell me I couldn't get a date, I told myself that... and I didn't try. NEVER has someone told me that I shouldn't wear shorts or a tank top or whatever else, but for a long time I told myself that "people say that." Nobody ever said that I shouldn't have long hair, I just had it in my head that I couldn't pull it off because I was a 'big girl' (thats what called myself back when I was scared of/embarrassed by the word fat.)  Seriously, all these ridiculous messages came from INSIDE MY HEAD!?

There was a time when I would have DIED if I had to call myself fat, much less write about it where someone might read it. This would have been a DEEP DARK SECRET that i was keeping from everyone.  Then one day I realized... people already know. Ummm duh. People look at me every day, and they can obviously tell that I'm not a size 6. Secondly, it didn't seem to really bother anyone... except me.  When I went out for ice cream with my friends, nobody was like "hey fat girl, drop that cone!" I, however, was certain that everyone was looking at me. (How self-centered was I?!) Seriously, who thinks everyone is looking at them when there are delicious deserts around?!  I was living life with a set of rules that SUCKED!  These rules were self-imposed. I wasn't 'allowed' to live fully because I was fat?! Excuse my bluntness, but thats bull shit. I DONT have to wear things to 'cover up'. I don't have to avoid eating in public. I don't have to pretend I want to be super skinny (I don't btw being fat is part of being me... I own it!), I don't have to lose weight to have a relationship (seriously, my bf is a total hottie!), and I DO NOT have to have a less fulfilling life just because I'm an awesome, fabulous FAT GIRL.

I'm gonna post more about fat acceptance, loving your body, and positive self-talk in the coming days, but for now I leave you with a positive thought below...  I'd love to hear your (kind) thoughts about body image! If you don't have something nice to say... well you know!

xoxo

Generations.

I've posted this on facebook before, but I thought it warranted a second posting... Its just really thought provoking.

I am part of a lost generation
and I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
I realize this may be a shock but
“Happiness comes from Jesus.”
is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy.”
So in 30 years I will tell my children
they are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priorities straight because
work
is more important than
family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stayed together
but this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
30 years from now, I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope.

And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it .

Read the message, then read it again in reverse.

Which generation do you belong in?

DISCOVERY!

So... this blog is my new FAVORITE!

www.stuffchristianslike.net

Specifically the post that got me hooked was a post about what the author calls 'Jesus Jukes.'

"Like a football player juking you at the last second and going a different direction, the Jesus Juke is when someone takes what is clearly a joke filled conversation and completely reverses direction into something serious and holy."

I HATE when people do that to me... and apparently this guy does too. Ok, so I write Xmas on my Facebook status... don't need a sermon. I still love Jesus. Ohhh, you noticed that I posted a tweet at 11am on a Sunday. No need to admonish me for skipping church (especially since we have Saturday services). Here's Jon Acuff's reasoning on why the Jesus Juke isn't cool.

"Chances are you’ve experienced this. Someone pulled the Christian version of the Debbie Downer, they threw out a bit of Jesus Juke on you. If you have, or even if you haven’t, there are three things we all need to know about this particular move.

1. It generates shame.
The Jesus Juke is a great way to tell a friend, “I wish you possessed the uber holiness I do and were instead talking about sweet baby Jesus in this conversation.” It’s like a tiny little “shame grenade,” you throw it into an otherwise harmless conversation and then watch it splatter everyone in guilt and condemnation.

2. It never leads to good conversation.
I’ve been Jesus Juked dozens of times in my life and I’ve never once seen it lead to a productive, healthy conversation. You might think it will before you juke, but what usually happens is just raw amounts of awkwardness, similar to how I felt sitting in a theater watching the Last Airbender.

3. I’ve never met someone who was “juked to Jesus.”
I once tweeted, “No one’s ever said: ‘The way you bitterly mock other Christians helped me begin a life-changing love of Jesus’ (Be kind).” I wrote that because I wanted to remind us that our jerkiness never led folks to Christ. I don’t think our jukes do either. I don’t really see it as a conversion technique. It’s more of a conversation killer technique.

I hope we all keep talking about Jesus. I hope we talk about him lots and lots. I hope he defines our life and conversations. But if I tell you that when it comes to My Little Pony, I tend to prefer Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and that Toola Roola has been riding their coattails for years, please don’t respond, 'You know who created ponies? Our Lord God did, that’s who.'"



Just something that I found interesting and HAD to share. Check out www.stuffchristianslike.net 'cause its GREAT.

stilettos? chucks?

stereotype |ˈsterēəˌtīp; ˈsti(ə)r-|
noun
1 a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing

For some reason I've been thinking a lot about stereotypes over the last few days... I've always considered myself to be quite open minded, but I have to say that I've come to see that I stereotype people just as much as the next guy (or girl in my case...) and this is bothersome.

What got me started on this train of thought? Why, thanks for asking... I'll enlighten you.

A little more than a year ago, my roommate, April, introduced me to her friend Rachel. They hung out a lot and included me in a few activities. At the time I didn't have a problem with Rachel, but I automatically assumed that she didn't like me. She didn't give me any reason to feel that way. I just assumed. I liked her a lot. In fact I thought she was AWESOME, but I just figured she wasn't thinking the same thing about me. Why? welll....

Rachel has impeccable taste. In the year and some change I've known her, I've never seen her without perfect hair, a dress, and adorable high heels. She's most definitely a girly girl, and a perfect example of that southern sorority girl type... and she pulls it off perfectly.

And if you know me you know that all that stuff is nowhere NEAR my style. While Rach and April can pull off a pair of high heels like a pro, I'm more at home in my pink chuck taylor's that I've been wearing for about 10 years. Anyway, sometimes I assume that because I stick to american apparel t shirts and converse sneakers instead of the dresses and heels (outside special occasions of course) that people with different tastes didn't care for me too much. Nobody's really given me any indication that because I listen to indie music or have a hoop in my nose or whatever else that they don't like me. I just assume some people think I'm a hipster snob. And in the back of my mind I always think that people wonder what the heck I'm doing hanging out with these girls, or better yet what THEY are doing letting me tag along...

Well, long story short, over the last few months a series of events (mostly involving boyfriends or lack there of) have given April, Rachel, and me lots of time to hang out... and now one person who I assumed wouldn't like me has become a regular part of my life... and I couldn't be happier about that...

So, that's just a lesson I've learned over the last little bit... give people a chance. Just thought I'd share.