It starts with me

You know what annoys me?

"People say... "
"They think..."

Don't you hear this like ALL the time?
I do... and it irritates the heck out of me.

"You know... they say that horizontal stripes make you look fat."
"You know... people say you aren't allowed to wear white pants after labor day..."

Seriously. Who are these people? Why do THEY get to dictate what we can or cannot do and/or wear? Why the hell do we listen to "them"?  I've been thinking about this sort of stuff a lot lately. As anyone who knows me personally already is aware, I'm a plus size girl. Hold the phones, I dare say... I'm fat. OMG did I actually say that? Hell yes, I absolutely did!

Here's the thing about it though... the only person who ever calls me fat... is me.  Sure sure, there was the rude kid in school who said something out of the way, but that was in middle school, and since I'm 27 now that's sort of way in the past. Nobody at a clothing store is ever like HEY YOU, I know that comes in your size but its horizontal stripes, and that's not something fat girls should wear! The only person who ever tells me things like that is me.

I never really thought about the messages that I told myself until I started grad school.  In the counseling field we talk a lot about schema and self talk and all that other cognitive stuff. Anyway, for whatever reason (which I sort of know... but don't want to blast people who helped shaped my thought processes... its not really anyone's fault per se... we just don't realize how messages 'stick') I always corrected myself about things I could do/not do, wear/not wear, think/not think because i was fat.

(side note: FAT is NOT a bad word. Its not an insult. Its just an adjective. Its not insulting to say a girl is a redhead or a guy is black.  Its not bad, its just what it.... same with the word fat. So yeah, I call myself that. I also call myself southern, smart, redhead, preppy, white (pale really haha) etc and none of that makes people think I hate my body... neither should fat. Its just how I am... and I don't mind that damn it!)

Ugh... chased a rabbit. Terrible habit. Back to what I was saying... Nobody ever comes up to me and says I can't do something because of my size.  I lived with limitations for a LONG time that I thought were from the outside... but now I'm really beginning to see that they are self-imposed. I thought I couldn't get a boy to like me in high school, so I didn't date. NEVER did one of my girlfriends tell me I couldn't get a date, I told myself that... and I didn't try. NEVER has someone told me that I shouldn't wear shorts or a tank top or whatever else, but for a long time I told myself that "people say that." Nobody ever said that I shouldn't have long hair, I just had it in my head that I couldn't pull it off because I was a 'big girl' (thats what called myself back when I was scared of/embarrassed by the word fat.)  Seriously, all these ridiculous messages came from INSIDE MY HEAD!?

There was a time when I would have DIED if I had to call myself fat, much less write about it where someone might read it. This would have been a DEEP DARK SECRET that i was keeping from everyone.  Then one day I realized... people already know. Ummm duh. People look at me every day, and they can obviously tell that I'm not a size 6. Secondly, it didn't seem to really bother anyone... except me.  When I went out for ice cream with my friends, nobody was like "hey fat girl, drop that cone!" I, however, was certain that everyone was looking at me. (How self-centered was I?!) Seriously, who thinks everyone is looking at them when there are delicious deserts around?!  I was living life with a set of rules that SUCKED!  These rules were self-imposed. I wasn't 'allowed' to live fully because I was fat?! Excuse my bluntness, but thats bull shit. I DONT have to wear things to 'cover up'. I don't have to avoid eating in public. I don't have to pretend I want to be super skinny (I don't btw being fat is part of being me... I own it!), I don't have to lose weight to have a relationship (seriously, my bf is a total hottie!), and I DO NOT have to have a less fulfilling life just because I'm an awesome, fabulous FAT GIRL.

I'm gonna post more about fat acceptance, loving your body, and positive self-talk in the coming days, but for now I leave you with a positive thought below...  I'd love to hear your (kind) thoughts about body image! If you don't have something nice to say... well you know!

xoxo

Better.

Its the time of the year when I get REALLY stressed out.  Everything is almost due at school.  The holidays are approaching which means balancing a work schedule (my line of work doesn't shut down unfortunately), finding time for my family/friend commitments, and of course the dreaded holiday shopping. With all this STUFF, its sometimes hard to still enjoy things. As such, here are five ways I make the day better.

1. Call a loved one.  Every day.
CALL (not text) someone you love.  Just say hi, catch up etc.  For me, its my mom.  I call her every single day without exception.  Even if its two minutes to say I love you, it always improves my day.  Of course you don't have to call the same person every day.  I also call my sister a good bit.  We prefer Skype to telephone calls.  We spend an hour or so about once a week skyping and I always look forward to our chats.

2. Organize.
Clutter leads to stress.  Guess what alleviates the stress?  Organization.  People sometimes think I'm OCD because I clean so much.  I just know that I have issues with anxiety.  Having a clean organized space lessens my stress and anxiety A LOT, so I just know to stay on top of it.  Plus, cleaning is pretty good exercise if you do a good job of it... and exercise helps reduce stress too... its win win!

3. Do something for someone else.
This is one of my favorites!  Doing something for someone else makes you feel good!  Don't ask for credit or a favor in return.  The good feeling is your reward!  I most often do little things for my boyfriend since he's right in the same house.  I'll wash his work uniform without being asked, leave a little sweet treat on his nightstand, or make him a breakfast when he wakes up on his day off.  It makes him happy and that makes me happy...

4. Express yourself.
Blog, sing, journal, paint... do something creative.  I do lots of creative things.  Some (like writing) I'm pretty good at.  Others (like crochet) I'm well, not so good at.  Either way, it makes me feel really good to create, express myself, think outside my normal realm of work/school. Who knows, maybe you'll even find something you're really good at!

5. Don't put it off.
This is one I sometimes struggle with.  It stinks to go to bed with a sink full of dishes or a dryer full of clothes.  Why?  Because when you wake up they're still there!  Getting it done and waking up without a completely full plate always feels good.

How do you make things better?

Worry.

Hello all. I'm back. MY life has been crazy for a while now. Admittedly I stopped doing some of the things that I used to love. I let school, work, life get in the way of me having MY time. I used to take plenty of time to keep up my blog. It was where I expressed my thoughts, where I celebrated triumphs, where I sought advice, or wrote out advice for others (which was really for myself most of the time.) Anyway, I just got bogged down in life. I've been stressed and depressed. Anyway, its time for me to do some things for me again... as such I'm back. I know what you're thinking... I've said that before. Its ok... I know that actions speak louder than words, so in five or ten posts I'll say I told you so.

 Anyway, something I really struggle with is worry. I'm sure i've posted about this before... but its an ongoing thing, so I'm discussing it again. My bff Kiley and I are always talking about how much we worry. We are always texting or calling to ask the others interpretation of a comment, action, event. I can look objectively at her world and she at mine, but when it comes to our own situations we get all paranoid. So today i started reading about worry. I really liked this quote that I found.

 “I am an old man and I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened” - Mark Twain

 This describes me totally. I worry about things that never happen. I'm butchering the pig, but nobody wants bacon. It occurred to me today that worry is a behavior. As such I choose to do it. I'm of the opinion that every behavior we choose serves a purpose or meets a need (thats related to my theory of counseling, but you probably don't care about that... unless your one of my classmates in which case refer to choice theory for my basis there haha). Anyway, if this is a behavior (habitual as it may be) I can choose to STOP that behavior. Easier said than done... but following are some ways I intend to accomplish this goal.

First though I found some interesting statistics about worry (yes, from reliable sources). I'm not gonna lie, some of these made me feel stupid for worrying all the time. When it comes to worry, studies have shown the following statistics:

40% never happens – so in essence we are wasting our time by worrying.

30% of what we worry about has already happened. Learn to “let go” and forgive yourself and others. You cannot change the past – no one can. Accept it for what it is and go on.

12% are needless worries, such as what someone else thinks about us.

10% are petty and unimportant such as we worry about what’s for dinner, we worry about being late, we worry about what to wear.

8% of what we worry about actually happens. Of this percentage…

4% of our worries that happen are beyond our control. We cannot change the outcome. These worries may include our health, the death of a loved one or an impending natural disaster. Often times the reality of these events are more bearable than the worry.

4% of what we worry about we have some if not all control over the results. Basically I think this is the consequences of our actions or inaction on the problems and challenges we face.

Given these statistics, you may find it worthwhile asking the following questions: How many times do we work ourselves into frenzy over a situation that is beyond our control? Why do we allow worry to stress us out so much that we become ill? (this is my downfall seriously) Why do we waste our mental energy with worry?

 So what can we do? Here's what Ive come up with from a little reading. I'm seriously going to be taking these things into practice ASAP... this worry drains me.

 1. Prepare for the worst – Hope for the best. This comes right from the advice of Dale Carnegie in “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”. Accept the worst possible outcome and then take action to improve upon the worst.

 2. Get Busy. When you find yourself beginning to worry – get busy on your to-do list. If you don’t have a list – then write one. List your goals and the action steps required to meet them. One of the benefits of your to-do list is you will stop worrying about forgetting something important.

 3. Distract Yourself. Call a friend. Read a good book. Watch a funny movie. Take the kids to the park. Take a walk. There’s dozens of things you can do.

 4. Get Support. Friends and family can be an excellent source of support. Especially if they will tell you how they see things. Sometimes just talking things out, helps the worry go away.

 5. Make a Decision. If you’re worrying about an unresolved personal or business issue – then it’s time to make a decision. Once you decide what to do, you can begin taking steps for the best possible outcome.

 6. Confront the Problem Head-On. It’s usually not the problem itself that is causing your worry. It’s usually the anticipation of the problem. How will others be affected or react? Deal with the problem as soon as possible.

 7. Practice Relaxing. It is important that you take time to totally relax. Close your eyes take long deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. With each breath tell yourself to relax. It just takes a couple of minutes of this exercise for the tension to leave your body.

 8. Listen to CDs. This can be your favorite music, brainwave CDs or behavior modification tapes that are designed to dissolve worry and anxiety. (These do not have to be self-hypnotizing or subliminal – but of course you can choose these types of tapes.)

 9. Journal. After writing down everything they are worried about in a journal, most people feel a sense of relief. In writing you may have discovered what you are really afraid of, and then you can objectively work on improving the situation.

 10. Take Care of Yourself. Get plenty of rest. Eat a healthy diet and exercise. When you nurture your body and mind, it’s easier to put things in perspective. It’s easier to cope with the unexpected.

 11. Count Your Blessings. You have a lot to be thankful for. Look around you … We live in a beautiful world. You can be thankful for your health, your family, your mind, your country, your house, your job, your TV or even your microwave!

 12. Monitor Your Thoughts. Be aware of your thoughts and be ready to replace worries with positive thoughts. Be prepared with a positive thought or quote, such as “Calmness is the cradle of power” (Josiah Gilbert Holland).

 There are many techniques you can use to stop worrying. The important thing is to consistently use them until the new behavior becomes a habit.If this is a struggle for you like it is for me, I hope it gets better. If you've got something else that helps calm your worry post it in a comment... I know I need all the help I can get.

yep.

This is pretty cool... Gonna try and do these things this week!

Source: edhall.deviantart.com via Lisa on Pinterest

YUMMY!

Now that I work third shift I keep a weird schedule. I used to get up in the morning and start my day with coffee. I was a coffee addict for certain. Now though, i wake up in the late afternoon. In July in SC late afternoon is HOOOT. As such, I'm in no mood for heated beverages. So, I started making smoothies! I'm now addicted. I decided to post my favorite of the recipes I've tried. Hopefully you'll think its as good as I do. Its pretty healthy, totally vegetarian of course (well vegan actually), and super easy to make! I prefer frozen raspberries and fresh mangoes. It doesnt really matter as long as something is frozen to make the smoothie cold.


Raspberry Mango Smoothie
1 large serving

1 cup frozen mango chunks
1 fresh peach, pitted, skin on (bananas, apricots, or additional mango also works here)
1 cup almond milk, fresh orange juice, or water (I opt for the OJ personally... or yogurt on occasion)
juice of 1 lime
dash stevia or agave to taste
1 cup ice
generous handful of fresh raspberries

Blend everything except the raspberries until completely smooth, adjusting the sweetness as you like. Toss in raspberries, and briefly pulse until the berries are just broken up, but the individual seeds remain whole (the smoothie should still be peach-colored, not pink).

Drink, hunched over a computer at the office while typing furiously, or in class trying to stay awake and listen to ANOTHER presentation!

If you've got good recipes you should definitely blog them and send THIS girl a link!

BIGGER.

FYI This post is about to get real. I'm going to be a lot more transparent than I normally am, and I think that's saying something. Writing this blog literally made me cry... so be kind to it if you don't mind.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a big girl. I've never been very small. I Can't think of one time in my life. That doesn't really bother me though. I am comfortable with who I am. Sure there are times that I wish I was different, but everyone feels that way from time to time. As such, I never really concerned myself with weight loss or healthiness. I pretty much did what I wanted...

UNTIL.

A couple months ago I gave up meat. Upon becoming a vegetarian I immediately dropped about 20 pounds. That feels good. People comment about me and I LOVE it. I can wear jeans that I haven't been able to wear since I was a college freshman... and they didn't even fit all that well back then. Anyway, I didn't give up meat to lose weight (ask if you'd like to know the reasoning behind that decision). I didn't plan on doing anything else to lost weight or become healthier...

UNTIL.

As you know (if you read my blog regularly) I've been actively seeking God on my own for the first time in my life. I used to take in whatever Christian leaders said as the truth and spit it back out whenever necessary (my case of spiritual bulimia). Anyway, I started trying to incorporate God into the things I loved in life... One of those things was following lots of very intelligent Christian bloggers. These guys really know that everyday things (music, art, social media) can be a ministry... which is JUST what I am striving to incorporate into my life. One of the guys I follow is Perry Noble of NewSpring Church (check out his blog... link in my blog roll.)

Pastor Noble recently posted a blog about overcoming obesity. I thought this was a little odd, as I didn't know that he'd ever been overweight in the first place. The essence of his blog was eat less, exercise more. I already knew this. HOWEVER, one point knocked me on my ass (excuse the language... it was purely to make a point... I was pretty taken aback at the following thought.)

He quoted 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, which I'd heard plenty of times.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."


Now, when I read this verse I always heard 'don't do drugs, don't have sex with random people etc.' and I thought I was doing pretty well with that. But when Pastor Perry read these verses he apparently heard (and I'm quoting)

"I am a steward of the body (temple) that God has given me…and how I take care of it tells the world what I think and feel about Christ."

I literally teared up (and I still do a little even now) thinking that my living an unhealthy lifestyle tells God that I don't love him and I don't value what he's given to me. The more I thought about it, the more I began to see that I had to do something about this. I immediately thought of the following verse from Hebrews (10:26)

"If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left."

Reading that, how could I knowingly keep abusing God's temple? If someone doesn't think that how we steward the body God gave us matters to him, then that is a SERIOUS spiritual issue. I am under no impression that God is going to be able to fully bless me or use me for his purposes when I have strongholds and areas of my life where I refuse to honor him. And, I'll be honest, there is nothing I want more than to be blessed and used by God, so clearly something has to change.

The church in the US doesn't al all address this SIN. Thats what it is SIN. And this SIN kills more people every year than alcohol... yet for some reason we don't talk about it. ESPECIALLY in baptist churches. Instead we have potlucks and ice cream socials. Well, that's not going to work for me anymore. This is a spiritual issue that needs to be addressed.

I guess the main reason I'm writing this blog is to take ownership of the fact that being overweight (just like every other sin in my life) is my own fault. I hope that you know if you're overweight, or if you are harming your body in another way (smoking, drinking, drugs, whatever) that its a spiritual issue. Being a poor steward of the body God gave you is just as bad as being a poor steward of the money you take in. Apart from totally surrendering that sin to God, its impossible to be totally in his will... and I don't want that for me or for anyone else. To be in the bondage of food (or something else) because we refuse to make the necessary changes (that we know we need to make) is just silly.

So, what REALLY convinced me that it was time to handle this issue, please God with my body, and ultimately get more into God's will for my life? Well, it was this paragraph, that I'm taking from the end of Pastor Noble's blog... (quoting him here)


"BUT…if I can do this…so can you!!! No temptation can overcome someone who is in Christ (I Corinthians 10:13!) This issue IS NOT BIGGER THAN CHRIST IN YOU…in Him you have the discipline, the potential and the victory just waiting on you to LIVE IN IT! (See I Corinthians 15:57-58) You CAN do this…and trust me, when you do you will feel SO MUCH BETTER…you will have the ENERGY to do what you want and need to do and you will have the INTEGRITY to speak to others about how to get past the issues that hold them back…because you fought the one that held you back!"

So, you might not have the weight struggle that I have. But I'm willing to bet that there is something in your life that you can surrender... So. What are you waiting for? Give it up already. After all, that issue is NOT BIGGER THAN CHRIST IN YOU! =)

Thanks.

I was at work the other day and the kids were working on making their Christmas lists. Interesting to me considering that it was still a week before Thanksgiving. Now, of course I made Christmas lists as a kid... and my mom always asks me to now, though I never get around to it.

The more I thought about it, the more it saddened me that we are all so quick to make lists of the stuff we're dying to get. We get up at the crack of dawn and fight crowds to save a few bucks on "black Friday." Shouldn't we instead be focusing on the things that we are thankful for? Shouldn't we be making lists of all the blessings that God has provided us with throughout our lives? We just mutter that we're thankful for our home, our family, our health at Thanksgiving dinner and then move on to scouting out deals for all the stuff we are going to push and shove to buy on sale the next morning. Well this year I'm doing things differently. I've been making a mental list of all the things I'm thankful for that I don't normally thank God for... the little things. the under the surface things. the things I don't usually think about:

- a large family to get together with for food, laughs, love... and not just on Thanksgiving.
- a family who doesn't judge me for being different than them.
- an older sister who I hope to be JUST like one day.
- a baby sister who is also my best friend/sounding board/companion/ and SO much more.
- a brother and a brother-in-law who always knows what to say to make me laugh.
- the cutest niece and nephew EVER!
- parents who are proud of me and always encourage me
- all the days that go by where pretty much everything goes the way its supposed to.
- all the times I DON'T get what I deserve.
- all the times I screw up and God pardons me from the consequences
- I woke up today... and every day before that for the last 25 years.
- a beautiful apartment with light, heat, a refrigerator full of food, a caring roommate
- the fact that I wonder WHAT I'm going to eat/drink/wear today, not WHETHER
- that God has brought me through every challenge life has presented me thus far
- that I have a job that allows me to help other people
- that I can blog, tweet, speak about my faith without fear of persecution
- that I belong to a church that loves Jesus and loves people and knows how to reach today's culture
- that I can enjoy being young and single with the assurance that God will bring the right man into my life at the right time
- that there isn't a second when God isn't right there beside me

There are tons and tons more... I am so blessed. =)
If you read my blog, then I'm thankful for you.

what's for dinner?

I've been chewing (pun intended) on the following thoughts for a few days now.

My roommate just got engaged. As with any engagement, the bride-to-be and her bridesmaids (in this case that'd be Rachel and me) immediately start discussing all the things that need to be taken care of. One of the first thoughts to pop out of everyone's mouths was WE NEED TO GO ON A DIET! Upon further discussion it was determined that this diet was to begin November 1.

If you read back a few posts I noted here that one of the things I wanted to do before I was 30 was spend a whole year as a vegetarian. This whole wedding induced diet conversation brought that idea back into my head. The reasoning behind that is as follows:

I hate the idea of DIETS. No, thats not because I just want to eat lots of junk food all the time. Just hearing the word diet reminds me of the herd who take marching orders from Low-Carb Fascist Dr. Atkins, Beverly Hills Diet maven Judy Mazel and other dietary charlatans. I loathe those stupid books and programs and before/after pictures. Those people drive my opinion that dieting is just plain gauche and completely moronic.

Another reason I hate diets... diets promote self-denial, and I've done nothing that I need to punish myself for. Going on a self-punishing diet is a sign of succumbing to the media’s despotic notions of what constitutes a pleasing body image. For example, who the hell is that chick from Marie Claire (google if you haven't read HER thoughts on obese people yet... total BS) to tell me that I'm not aesthetically pleasing enough for her liking? To be honest, I'd rather prefer that she didn't find me all that attractive. Point blank, I REFUSE to conform to ideas in popular culture that I find asinine just because its the "normal" or "attractive" way to be.

Now, all that being said... I do think that bettering yourself is of VITAL importance. This is the reason that I read books, watch the news, attended college, and a host of other activities. Why stay where I am if there is some way to become a more effective form of myself? Thats just as silly as conforming just to please people other than yourself. Its said that you're a different person every seven years. In my case I'd LIKE to think that I'm a better version of myself every seven years. yeah... lifestyle change is a big part of that... not just for me, for everyone.

What do all these thoughts have to do with each other? Well, while I totally understand the first thought all of us girls had about the dieting (looking good in dresses being the main draw there), further thought has led me to the decision that a lifestyle change is a more appropriate route for me...

So, I'm chewing on ideas such as the following...

1. "Deciding what to eat, indeed deciding what qualifies as food. When Froot Loops can earn a Smart Choices check mark, a new industrywide label that indicates a product’s supposed healthfulness, we know we can’t rely on the marketers, with their dubious health claims, or for that matter on the academic nutritionists who collaborate on such labeling schemes. (One of them defended the inclusion of Froot Loops on the grounds that they are better for you than doughnuts. So why doesn’t the label simply say that?) Making matters worse, official government pronouncements about eating aren’t necessarily much more reliable, not when the food industry influences federal nutrition guidelines. If we can’t rely on the marketers or the government or even the nutritionists to guide us through the supermarket woods, then who can we rely on? Well, ask yourself another question: How did humans manage to choose foods and stay healthy before there were nutrition experts and food pyramids or breakfast cereals promising to improve your child’s focus or restaurant portions bigger than your head? We relied on culture, which is another way of saying: on the accumulated wisdom of the tribe. (Which is itself another way of saying: on your mom and your friends.) All of us carry around rules of thumb about eating that have been passed down in our families or plucked from the cultural conversation. Think of this body of food knowledge as samizdat nutrition: an informal, unsanctioned way of negotiating our eating lives that becomes indispensable at a time when official modes of talking about food have suffered a serious loss of credibility." (BY MICHAEL POLLAN. Read the whole article here)


2. The Japanese wisely adhere to the saying, “Hara hachi bu,” which means eat until you’re 80% full... makes sense to me.

3. I wouldn't purchase a car without doing my homework. I took two weeks to buy a pair of cowboy boots just to make sure I got the best deal and the most authentic looking pair I could obtain... and that was just for halloween. So why in the world would I buy a patty made of random animal parts and put it in my body when I don't know what I'm getting or where it came from?

4. 21 more reasons why I'm thinking over the vegetarian thing are here, but seem a little lengthy to copy and paste.


I'm comfortable with myself how I am... however I know that there is always room for improvement. So, this stuff is just something I'm contemplating as a way to improve. I don't LOVE animals in a weird way or anything. But by the same token I really don't see the need to kill them when eating them isn't really helping me nutritionally... Plus its just kinda gross if you ask me. I'll keep posting about this I'm sure... I don't really eat meat now, so I don't have A LOT to cut out, but starting tomorrow its a serious life project. Wish me luck...