Tuesday, August 2

Moving on

I haven't posted on my blog since 2014.

To be honest, I'm surprised that I remembered the password to my account.

Thats now long its been since I typed anything, shared anything. I'd write about everything that's been going on since then, but that'd be more of a memoir than a blog post.  Let's see... I graduated from graduate school, met a guy, started dating that guy, got engaged to that guy, married that guy, took a job, moved to Charlotte. I've made friends and lost friends. My step dad died from cancer.  I took a big step away from my faith for a while in the throes of grief. Now I'm running full tilt toward God, trying my best not to get back to where I was, but to move past that and find where I'm meant to be now.

When I stopped blogging, it was right around the time that we found out my dad was really sick. I stopped doing a lot of different things around then. I stepped away from so many things, not because I didn't want them, but because I just needed more time to process what was happening and cope with how our lives were changing. Now, I think that I'm done the grieving process. I still miss my dad every single day, and I don't think that this will ever change. Now however, when I think about him, the majority of my memories are of the good times and not thoughts about how lost I feel without him. I've learned to accept this reality and I've come to deal with the fact that I won't be seeing him again until the Lord calls me to heaven. I'm not the biggest fan of this, but I've accepted it. Plus, that reunion will totally be worth the wait.

So, I  went through a HUGE crisis of faith. I wasn't MAD at God necessarily. I just wasn't sure that I was going to make it through my dad's passing and still be able to be the person God had called me to be.  I was struggling to function at a minimum, much less be all that God called me to be.  So, quite simply, I didn't try for a while. I didn't stop believing (Journey will be glad to hear it...) and I didn't 'fall into sin' as we christians like to say. I just couldn't be active in my faith.  I stopped going to Elevation for the most part. I still watched online every week, but I needed to be alone in my struggles and pain. I just couldn't put on a smile and do the happy Christian thing. As a part of that, my blog went silent as well. I prayed and cried and my family and I got through it.  We are all still dealing with missing Dad every day, but I'm proud to say that we made it through the hardest part.

So, that brings me to now. Cory and I met right about the time my dad died. Through that time, my new relationship with Cory was such a blessing. He was a light in the dark for me.  He is so passionate about his faith, and his fire helped me keep my little spark going, even when I was so bogged down in my grief and figuring out a new way of life. Now, we are married and I've coped with the grief successfully. Its now a part of my life instead of my whole life. As a couple, Cory and I are working hard to jump into Elevation Matthews and build a faith community around us. We are going to a WONDERFUL small group, tithing, volunteering, praying and studying together and apart, and we are about to become involved as leaders in the student ministry. I think that any christian knows that we go through seasons in our faith. At times, things feel dry and barren. At other times we feel fulfilled and full of potential. Right now is a season of growth and learning for Cory and me. We are learning to be leaders and to work as a couple instead of as two individual people. We are learning how to have a Christ centered marriage and how to follow Him on our own, but also as a family.

The other day I felt this old familiar nudge in my spirit... something I haven't noticed in a while. I know that God was with me when I was going through grief and pain. He comforted me and he sent Cory into my life right when I needed him. Even so, I didn't really feel God leading me to DO a lot through that time. It was almost like the lord knew I wasn't up to ministering... he knew I needed to be ministered to. Now though, I know that Cory and I are on the cusp of falling into God's plan for us. I hope that writing is part of his plan for me. I love it, and I would love to use it to touch people.  But for now, I feel like the Lord is telling me to start writing about my experiences with him again. I'm not so arrogant to think that my blog will lead millions to salvation (though I don't question that the Lord could do that if he saw fit) but I do know that I learn more about my faith when I write about it.  I also know that someone somewhere will relate to what I'm going through.

So, I'm moving on... and part of that is coming back. Hope you are all willing to take the journey with me.